Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary over a torn and tattered copy of an inspection of a home report. While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a rapping as of someone gently tapping, tapping at my chamber door. “Tis a Realtor, nothing more.” She delivered the original report to my door.
Then I looked at all the writing, all of it concise and citing broken these and leaking thats from the ceiling to the floor. I knew that if I called the buyer he would think the seller a liar o’er the home’s inefficiencies contained in the inspector’s lore.
I had known the house was somewhat lacking but did not expect the whacking that the agent came apacking and delivered to my door. It all began soft and sweetly as the buyers had found the house so neatly, and made an offer so discreetly expecting to move in with no chores.
The sellers had prepared a full disclosure of the structure’s current composure but had listed and reported all was kosher. But when the inspector went to peaking he noted that the sink was leaking, leaking a lake-like puddle. A puddle on the kitchen floor.
Not to appear befuddled, in an attempt to be subtle, he placed a towel upon the puddle to absorb the water and muddle that had adorned the kitchen floor. Tis a sink leak nothing more.
With a whirl the man inspecting grabbed the thermostat selecting temperatures from an age forgotten, a clime from the season enjoyed before. He sniffed the air soon detecting something burning unsuspecting we all thought we had smelled before. Tis some dust on the heart exchanger nothing more.
Not to appear so aloof, he then examined the asphalt roof. He began to mingle with each single shingle as his body began to tingle for he had not ascended such heights before. Tis some wear here nothing more.
He then descended his knees bended and his clothes about him rended for his wife had never mended stockings or breeches before.
It was in the hot September this inspection I remember and the buyer vain of temper would require all repairs as he’d said before. The seller stated unremorseful that the buyer had been most resourceful in providing a course full of the house’s lore. He would repair the kitchen sink, the HVAC if it’s on the blink, and then threw in the roof with a wink, as he left to meet his shrink. Quote the inspector nevermore.
Richard Courtney is a real estate broker with Pilkerton Realtors. This rambling appeared in his book Buyers Are Liars and Sellers are Too (Simon and Schuster, 2006).